Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
