apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
