My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That accounts for only three of the penises
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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