That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
