i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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