I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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