i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
