i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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