i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
