he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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