My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
