Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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