why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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