You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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