i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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