...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
