Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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