my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
