I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
