She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
