i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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