I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
