you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
