So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
