sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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