filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
