I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
