me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
