the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
