He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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