she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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