Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
