it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
