There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
