the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
