my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
