I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
