You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
