I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
