You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
