Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
