I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
