please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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