Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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