dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
