That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
