Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
