He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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