I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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