No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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