Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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