Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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