Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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