I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
