i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
as a side note pls kill me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
